Power Ballad Analysis

I’m tired of writing about depressing things like the economy.  It’s Friday night – let’s have some fun.  So, without further ado, a detailed analysis of Heart’s “Alone.”  (Lyrics in italics.)

 

I hear the ticking of the clock.

I’m lying here, the room’s pitch dark.

I wonder where you are tonight,

No answer on the telephone.

And the night goes by so very slow,

Oh, I hope that it won’t end up alone.

 

I don’t know if there is a power ballad with a more descriptive or powerful opening. It tells us so much.  Our speaker clearly cannot sleep;  she is hearing the ticking the clock and noting the darkness in the room.  And we know this is after her booty call got no answer.  Let’s not put too fine a filter on this;  here is a chick who is looking to take a ride on the bone rollercoaster, couldn’t get her man on the phone, and it’s keeping her up.  She’s likely hoping the phone will ring with a call back.  She’s trying to figure out what to do if that doesn’t happen.   

 

Till now, I always got by on my own

I never really cared until I met you.

And now it tears to the bone.

How do I get you alone?

How do I get you alone?

 

Now we get a little further insight into our speaker. She was a bit of a loner it would seem, until she met the object.  But now she’s all worked up, and can’t figure out how to get the object alone, presumably without his clothing.  This leaves us to wonder – is the speaker a younger woman speaking of her first love, or a older woman who is finally letting her guard down as she is overcome with emotion for the object.

 

You don’t know how long I have wanted

To touch your lips and hold you tight.

You don’t know how long I have waited

And I was going to tell you tonight.

 

So she waited a long time.  That would lead one to believe the speaker and object had know each other a while, but only recently had things advanced to a point where they could fornicate.  Perhaps this is an office friendship that always had that edge.  Maybe the object had a long term girlfriend who was really hot but kinda stuck-up and mean, but they finally broke up because she wanted to get married on a Caribbean Island, but the object refused because he wanted his infirm great-grandmother to attend the wedding.  And recently the speaker and the object went out for drinks after work, and they had a few too many, and then there was this awkward kiss, but nothing else happened, but they both wanted more to happen, but neither would say that at the time.  So the speaker called over to the object’s apartment hoping to see if the object wanted to watch a movie, but clearly it was all about telling him how much she longed for him and then probably do it.  But the bastard wasn’t home.

 

But secret is still my own,

And my love for you is still unknown.

Alone.

And here she is, alone.

 

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Till now, I always got by on my own

I never really cared until I met you.

And now it tears to the bone.

 How do I get you alone?

How do I get you alone?

 

I think the scream just reinforces the sexual tension and frustration at being alone.  Perhaps our speaker was not too experienced, or due to shyness and/or a weight issue is limited on her sexual partner options.  And here she is, all worked up but with no man to share that with.  She’s probably sleepy too but afraid to go asleep in case this object returns her call.  But she knows that she has reached a time in the night that even if he does call, and they make small talk and she convinces him to come over, it’s going to be so late that even if they do get in the sack, they’ll probably just roll around a little and then fall asleep.  In the end, she is no better off.  So here she is, as she has always been, alone.

 

How do I get you alone?

How do I get you alone?

Alone…..

Alone…..

 

I’d suggest calling earlier.  Or maybe even weaseling your way into some sort of quasi-date situation.  Or ask him to come over to help you with some silly home improvement item.  Be creative.  In the end, it really shouldn’t be that hard to get a dude in bed with you if you are willing to toss the cat around.

 

 

 

I Just Don’t Know

Ever have a circular argument with somebody? You know, the sort of thing where you are trying to solve 3 problems, and each solution solves 2 but makes the 3rd worse. Then you come up with another solution that solves the 3rd but makes 1 and 2 worse. That’s how I feel about this whole mortgage mess. I understand how we got here. I understand who is involved. But I for the life of me can’t figure out how to fix this thing. Consider the following:

Effect on…	Underwater Homeowners	Stable Homeowners	Banks/Mortgage Securities Holders	Non-Homeowners
Plan A:  Do Nothing	Lose their home, bankruptcy, bad credit, years to recover	Home values drop significantly as foreclosures and shorts sales enter marketplace	Left with properties worth a fraction of original loan value.  Mortgage bonds worthless; banks going to need more assistance.	Probably harmed by bank problems, but big winner if they have good credit and want to buy a home.
Plan B:  Rework distressed mortgages via lower interest rates/longer maturity	Some homes may be saved.  Risky behavior by some may be rewarded.  Likely to see some foreclosures due to sour job market	Home values propped up some, which may be the only reward for spending within their means.  Good behavior not rewarded.	Better than the do-nothing plan, but still holding properties or securities with lower values.	Screwed if looking for a home because the government is artificially inflating property prices from a foreclosure bottom.
Plan C:  Purchase distressed mortgage securities from banks	Probably same as A:  Lose their home, bankruptcy, bad credit, years to recover	Home values drop significantly as foreclosures and shorts sales enter marketplace	Best plan for these guys, as they can unload toxic assets from balance sheets.	Probably same as A minus the bank problems.

Those are the only three options I’ve heard. It’s kinda sad really. Nobody’s a winner, but there are many losers. And then there’s the question about what to do about the banks. This is the 3rd straight decade they have screwed our economy in the name of big bucks. In the 80s, it was the Savings & Loan Crisis. Seeking bigger returns, banks took incredible risks, knowing that FDIC insured all their deposits. In the 90s, it was derivatives. The moral of that story is that credit ratings can be bought and banks will do anything for the right fee. (Side note: If you want an inside look at how the large investment banks used to operate before this crisis, I highly recommend Frank Partnoy’s F.I.A.S.C.O. This book will show you how banks simply hire and pay really smart people to screw the less smart while making a ton of money. I don’t’ have a problem with this, per se, but it’s important to realize it happens.)

And then there’s the mortgage crisis of the 2008/2009. Mortgages were thought to be guaranteed by the Feds, money was cheap, and everybody was making money on mortgages. The way to make money was more, more, more. Don’t worry if the people have the income to pay this back – that’s so tomorrow, and if they don’t, the Feds will back us. It was thought that we can’t lose, and if we do, enough of us would lose so that the Federal government would bail out the banks. And they have, and continue too.

Again, I don’t know the answers here. I only know one thing. There is not-so-recent phenomenon in business called “Too Big to Fail.” Chrysler’s bailout in early 1980s might have been the first, but since then, we’ve seen Long Term Capital (a hedge fund), General Motors, and a litany of banks all receive government arranged and/or backed loans or cash because they are too big to fail. Too many people would lose their jobs. Too big a drag on our markets. This is a horrible president to set for our industries.

Consider this scenario: You are CEO of XYX Corp, a large company that employs over 100,000 workers and has hundreds of feeder companies that rely on your business. Your CFO comes to you with two growth strategies. The first one is wild, real outside the box stuff, and pretty risky. If you pull it off, you can grow revenue by over 50%. You’ll be hailed a business genius, complete with book deals, CNBC interviews, and a speaking tour. Bonus and equity deal will make you a multi-millionaire. You’ll be set for life. But if it fails…the whole company could be risk.

The second plan is boring, and focuses on sustainable revenue growth of 7-9%. It’s not risky, sort of funds itself, and really wouldn’t do much but make the shareholders nod appreciatively. But let’s face it, nobody’s gonna buy the book from the guy that grew revenue 7%, just like nobody’s gonna buy the golf book from the guys who always shoots 86.

Which do you pick? Well, under our current regime, I’m picking the first one. To hell with risk; if the plan bombs, then I’ll just go to Capitol Hill, hat in hand, and talk about how the government better bail us out or hundreds of thousands of jobs are gone. Whole communities will board up. Sure, I’ll probably have to resign, but my severance will keep a roof over my head. Probably a really nice roof. And, in a few years somebody will hire me, and the cycle will begin anew.

We are a Whinny Bunch #2

If there is a upper middle class complaint that grates on my nerves like no other, it’s the bitching of a stay-at-home mom ( SAHM). To me, this is akin to complaining that you just can’t find a good Mercedes dealership or that your country club doesn’t know how to make a dry martini. If you are a SAH and bitch about being a SAHM, you are complaining about a luxury that many people this country will never have; many families need both incomes to maintain their position in society, and many families have only one parent. I have heard many of the SAH complaints. Because I try to avoid picking verbal fights with people, particularly when I’m at their house eating and drinking on their dime, I often let them go. But, rest assured bitching SAH, I’m mocking you the minute I leave your house. Here’s a sample:

“You have no idea how hard it is to chase a 2 year old around all day.”

That’s true, I don’t . But I know people who chase 20-30 around all day. They are called daycare workers, and they typically make about $10-$15 per hour. So either it’s not that hard, or there are a ton of people willing to do it. You know what else is hard? Trying to reason with stupid people. Or getting screamed at by a client. I once had a highly-paid government employee , upon hearing some bad news about the software we were working with, scream at me for 5 minutes, and then burst into tears and run away. That sounds a lot like 2-year-old behavior, but at least you don’t have to shower and get dressed up to see your 2-year-old act that way.

“My husband says he could never do my job.”

Well, I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that your husband says that because A) he’s a moron who cannot care for children (and likely should have skipped procreating), B) he’s tries to make you feel important about staying home with junior, or C) he hates spending time with his kids. There is really no other option. So, SAHM, think about that the next time hubby lays that line on you.

“I miss the challenge of my career.”

Really? What kind of job did you have? Were fairies involved? I don’t hate my job, but I do it to make money. If I didn’t need the money, I wouldn’t do it. But, of all the standard complaints, this one holds at small amount of water. I know some people like to work and like their jobs, it’s a part of their ego, and it can be hard when that goes away. However, it kills me when a woman on kid #2 or #3 says that. Wait a minute? You had one kid. You knew that missing of the career part. Then you had another. And then another. Now I have no sympathy.

Overall, here’s the great thing about living in 2009. We have wonderful birth control methods that allow you to control reproduction. If you have one kid, and find out that it’s really hard, or you miss work, or you can’t stay home with a kid all day, then ride the first one out, get on the pill, and be done with it. But don’t waste my time whining about how hard it is to get a Pack-and-Play out of your SUV every day. It just makes you sound stupid. Just be thankful you don’t have to work and be a mom. Now that’s hard.

Lacking Stimulation

When I was in college, I did quite a bit of study of government and was fairly politically active.  For a couple years, I was the head of the College Republicans at my university and considered a career in government and politics.  However, as the time approached to get a real job, I decided that politics was not for me.  The main reason is that politics in American requires one to spout the extremist and impractical beliefs of your core constituency.  And you have to suck up to stupid people.  Neither was too appealing to me.  [NOTE: I’m no longer a Republican.  I’m not a Democrat either.   If you want to label me, I’d say I’m a common sense libertarian.]

 

The stimulus bill in the Senate is the epitome of what is wrong with politics in American today.   Our economy has hit a rough patch.  President-elect Obama says that we could use some fiscal stimulus to get us out of this recession, and we could get some of our infrastructure fixed to boot.  That all sounded like a pretty good idea.  But insert that idea into our polarized, partisan political environment, and the wheels fall off.  The idea is sound.  The bill is bad.  And both parties are to blame for how this got screwed up.

 

DEMOCRATS:  “Yes we can.”  The new party in power was going to get the trains running again and put American back to work.  The time to act was now.  But the Democrats just couldn’t control themselves as long as the tab was open.  Only 13% for the original stimulus bill had anything to do with infrastructure.  There were big chunks in there to extend unemployment benefits, unemployed health insurance and aid to states.  All that was fine.  But then there were the unusual items; the items that don’t really seem related to stimulus.  Millions of dollars for the CDC to raise AIDS awareness.  Millions of dollars for climate change studies.  Are there lots of unemployed meteorologists out there?  How is this going to help a machinist in Toledo?  I mean, this is deficit spending here.  We should have some discretion on what we do with the money.  Plus, these easy targets allowed an isolated Republican minority to point out that Obama & Company were just the same old tax-and-spend Democrats, and progress ground to a halt.  Stupid.   A smartly written bill could have sailed through Congress.  Now even some Democrats are questioning large chunks of the $900B tab.

 

And then there is the irresponsible way President Obama has pressed the stimulus.  Almost daily, he stands in front of a bank of microphones to say that, if we don’t pass this stimulus bill, it’s going to be 1931 all over again.  Depression the likes of which Americans have never seen.  Dust bowls.  Locusts.  Plague. 

 

I’m not economic expert.  I don’t know if he’s right or not.  But even if he is right, he’s not helping the situation.  Consumer spending is a large part of our economy.  As house values and 401k values drop, people feel poorer, even though their monthly disposable income may be unchanged.  So they lower their consumption.  And every time Mr. “Yes We Can” stands up to read from the “Grapes of Wrath,” he further tightens people’s spending.  Maybe 5% less people decide to eat out for dinner.  Maybe 10% decide to forgo a vacation.  That’s real money hurting real businesses that provide real jobs.  So I don’t really care whether President Obama is right and/or whether beating down the economy is a shrewd political move.  It’s irresponsible.  

 

REPUBLICANS:  Not to be outdone, the Moral Minority has said some stupid things too.  I will give the Republicans credit for pointing out some of the questionable items in the stimulus, and reminding us all that this is deficit spending – we are borrowing from the future here, so we might want to do it somewhat wisely.  But that is where the intelligence ends.  The Republicans want more tax cuts.  In theory it sounds like a good idea, but it’s fiscally irresponsible.  Forget the stimulus package for a minute.  Our deficit is big and getting bigger, in large part because the last administration decided to expand the welfare state by giving drugs to old people.   They financed this buy cutting taxes.  I thought the Republicans were the business party.   Increasing costs while lowering revenue is bad for business, and you don’t need an MBA to know that. 

 

Look, I ‘d love to see my taxes lowered.  But I’d also prefer to live in a country that is not leveraged to the hilt like some South American nation.  If you want to cut taxes, the only responsible way to do it is to make a corresponding cut in spending.  Otherwise, that deficit the Republicans are so worried about grows.  Plus, unemployed people don’t pay a lot in taxes, so I’m not sure how much tax cuts will help.

 

So here we are.  The Democrats are arguing that growing trans-gender studies is going to put America back to work.  Our president s giving anti-Roosevelt speeches; we have everything to fear including fear itself.  And the Republicans want to cut taxes for an increasingly unemployed populous.  The fact that our country is prosperous is more a tribute to capitalism than it is our current representative government.

 

The Day After

First off, sorry for the brief Super Bowl prediction write-up.  With this blog, I’m trying to present some new ideas and viewpoints on things, and I just didn’t have anything on the Super Bowl that had not been discussed ad nauseum in the 10M hours of pre-game coverage.   I do, however, have some thoughts about the game.

·         Kudos the Cardinals for not folding their tent after that gut-punch turnover right before the half.  My god, that was awful. 

·         Kudos to me and my buddy who accurately predicted the Warner INT before the half.  We only missed it by 6 plays or so.

·         Kudos to me for going 7-4 in the playoffs, and winning on my last 3 Super Bowl bets.

·         I did miss on the over/under, but it was close.  Zona just needed one last stop.  Damn.  I’da hit Sizzler if that hit.

·         I left the Cardinals for dead no less than 3 times.  They simply would not quit.  Very impressive effort by that crew.  I don’t want to sounds like a middle school soccer dad, but they should hold their heads up.  They played a great game.  It was a shame somebody had to lose.  It felt a little like last year’s US Open golf playoff at Torrey Pines.  You didn’t want to see Tiger or Rocco lose, but you knew somebody had to.

·         Overall, I thought the officiating was fine until after Pittsburgh’s winning touchdown.  I was glad they didn’t flag the Steelers for piling on Holmes after the winning TD.  However, how do you not flag Holmes for unsportsmanlike conduct after he used the football as prop for his LaBron/talc celebration?  That was blatant.  Whether or not you dig the rule, there is no question that he broke it.  15 yards means the Steelers kick-off from their own 15, which could have changed a lot for the Card’s final drive.  And how in the world do you not review the Warner fumble to end the game?  I’m not saying it was or wasn’t a fumble, but how do you not review it.  That’s why there’s replay.  Take the two minutes.  That was bad.  It seemed like the refs just wanted to get out of there after the Holmes game-winning TD.

·         All year I kept saying I didn’t buy the Steelers. Maybe it was because they won ugly, and I focused on the ugly.  But there’s no getting around it now.  They Steelers are a great team, Ben is a very good QB, Santonio Holmes is a great receiver, and they are a worthy world champion.   

 

And now probably the most notable item from this year’s Super Bowl:  The awful commercials.  No wonder our economy is slow.  Companies are spending millions on the most lifeless, boring wastes-of-30-seconds.  And there were some real train wrecks this year.  What are the Budweiser people thinking?  The lovey-dovey Clydesdale commercials made me not want to drink Bud to help make sure I don’t see those commercials next year.  And Audi – sorry whatever that was didn’t do anything for me.  Bridgestone?  Nice try.   Seriously, how hard is it to make a funny, fun, memorable commercial for the Super Bowl. 

 

I don’t know a thing about marketing, but I do know businesses, particularly large, bureaucratic businesses like the ones that can afford these commercials.  There are likely waves upon waves of approvals before these things get on the air.  And how these things get through those approvals is beyond me.    So let me try to offer some help to these people who so desperately need it.

1.       Funny is always better than sweet.  This is not an After School Special.  People are watching this game with friends, while drinking and eating, and generally trying to have a good time.  A majority of viewers are men.  We prefer to laugh.  How do you think Will Farrell made all that money?  Plus, we remember things that are funny.  We look them up on You Tube to remember how funny they are.  We talk about how funny they are with our buddies.  The easiest way to me memorable is to be funny.

2.       Of course funny is subjective.  But, there are several fail-safe funnies that you can beat like a drum.  The most popular are babies and animals (particularly monkeys) that are acting like people.  Look at history.  The CareerBuilder monkeys and E*Trade babies are particularly memorable ads.

3.       When in absolute doubt, slapstick violence is typically funny, particularly a man getting hit in the crotch with something. 

4.       If funny’s not your thing, might I suggest some hot chicks in sexually suggestive situations.  (The Go Daddy people are geniuses at this.)

 

Let’s make Super Bowl XLIV better than XLIII.

 

And, with that, we are done with the NFL for a while.  At least until draft time.  That part is always kinda bittersweet. Drink an Iron City for me, Steeler fans.