Yeah, I’m a business traveler. You hear us bitch all the time about travel. If you don’t travel for work, you probably hate us. If you do travel for business, you find that complaining about travel is like women bitching about how fat they are; it somehow bonds us together.
Anyway, I’m going to provide some solid travel advice for the leisure traveler on how to deal with us business travelers. All for free. You can thank me later.
Checking In
The airlines are losing money. They are trying to cut costs by doing two things: 1) Having you do things that they used to do for you, and 2) Charging you for things that used to be free. Checking in falls under #1. You can now do this via the web or via a kiosk at the airport. There are a couple guidelines here:
1- If you use the kiosk, I promise they are only using your credit card to ID you. It doesn’t even have to been the card you used to buy the ticket. I swear. Seriously. Trust me. So while you are waiting in line for a kiosk, why don’t you go head and pull that credit card out of your purse or wallet. Have it in your hand when you get there. We could all save hours if you do this.
2- Unless you are getting some sort of premium seating (First Class, Plus, or exit row), all the seats suck. If you sit in the back, you’ll have plenty of open overhead bins for your carry-on bag, but will get off the plane last. If you sit closer to front, you’ll get off the plane five minutes faster, but you are at risk of losing time by having your carry-on checked. Sunrise, sunset. Yin and Yang. And if you are one of these people that agonize over whether you should be in 21E and 30E, please check in at home. Please. Thanks.
3- You are going to have to show a photo ID to check a bag. Every time. I promise. So why don’t you have that handy with that credit card we talked about earlier. And keep it handy after you check you bag. You’ll see why in a minute.
Getting Through Security
To get through security, you will need your boarding pass and a photo ID. This is the same requirement at every single airport in the US. So let’s have those items in our hands when we get to the nice TSA person.
Once you clear the boarding pass/ID check, you are going to need to remove all metal and your shoes. But there is no rule that you can’t do this before you get to security. You can do it at anytime. Take off your watch, rings, costume jewelry, and change, and pack them away in a carry-on. You don’t have to wait until you get you to the metal detector. You can do it after your meeting, in the cab on the way to the airport, or while you are standing in line. Think efficiency people. You’ll also need your boarding pass from this point on. Keep it handy, like in your pocket, your hand, your bra, looped in your belt, or strapped to your arm.
Contrary to what some people think, there is not going to be an impromptu beauty contest on the plane. You don’t have to re-deck yourself out in your stunning earrings, bracelets or watches. If they are in your carry-on, you can just leave them there and move on. If you must re-deck yourself, you can do that at the gate. Flying is now a glorified Greyhound bus trip. We are all just trying to get there.
At the Gate
Most of the non-Southwest airlines board by zone now. It’s on your boarding pass. When your zone is called, you can board. If you are zone 11, but at the gate, I promise they are not going to leave without you. You do not need to stand in a ready position at the gate blocking everybody in lower zones. Just wait for your zone, and then get on the plane. It’s really that simple.
Taking your seat
If you need to retrieve something from your carry-on to have with you during your flight, such as an IPOD, magazine, or book, federal regulations allow you to have that in your hand or pocket as you get on the plane. You don’t have to wait until get to your seat to stop, put down your bags, rummage for your copy of “People,” and set it in your seat. If your hands or pockets are full, tuck the magazine or book in the back waistband of your pants or skirt. Seriously. You can do this. Totally legal.
Charges for bags, Cokes, and other stuff that used to be free
Again, most airlines are losing money, so they are charging for stuff that used to be free. Checked bag fees range from $25 to $50, and soft drinks and snacks may cost as much as $2. It tell you this so you won’t be surprised. Please do not hold up the line or the stewardess service by bitching or making a big deal about this. I know it sucks. The airlines know it sucks. But I promise the guy at the counter or the flight attendant did not enact this policy. If they had the power to do that they would probably use that same power to make sure they weren’t working the 7:50 flight to Raleigh-Durham.
Kids
There is a maximum of two people on the plane who procreated Junior, so the rest of the 100+ passengers don’t really deserve to be treated to your kids screaming, singing, or wailing. Some of us like to sleep to ease the pain of wedging our 6-2 frame in a seat made for 5-5 teenage girl. Look, kids are fine but some kids aren’t made to fly. If you have a hyper crier or screamer or a kid that likes to kick or slam things, could you just have grandma come and see you? It would be really nice, and you’ll probably save yourself the cost of one ticket. Thanks. [NOTE: Some of you think that everybody is soooooo nice when this happens. They are being abnormally nice to avoid their violent rage. Trust me, they hate you and they really hate your kid.]
In-Flight Etiquette
Here are some quick rules:
1- If the flight departs before 8:00am or after 8:00pm local time, many people are trying to sleep. Please let us sleep. We probably need it. Please do not have loud work conversations, read loudly to your kid, or talk about the kick ass trip you just had.
2- If the flight is less than 90 minutes, there is no reason for you to use the lavatory barring severe intestinal illness. Please pee before you get onboard. If your kid couldn’t hold it for 90 minutes, you’d yell at him. Or you should yell at him. Why should you be held to a lesser standard? If you refuse to heed this advice, at least grab an aisle seat when you spend 20 minutes analyzing your seat choice at the kiosk.
3- Once the flight lands, please do not fire up your cell phone for a loud conversation with work or your spouse. I promise you are not so important that the world cannot wait 15 minutes for news of your arrival. If you were, you wouldn’t be flying coach on AirTran. If you absolutely feel the need to share your triumphant arrival with others, send a text message.
Tags: Air Travel, Air Travel Etiquette, Air Travel Rules, Flying
